• Linda Reid

Five Myths About Boobies

"Scientists now believe that the primary biological function of breasts is to make men stupid." Dave Barry

And In The Beginning They Weren't Too Bad

It's probably not a good idea to greet an old person with "How's it hangin'." because in all likelihood it is and we don't want to talk about it.

I remember a time (barely) when I didn't have any underboob. They stood up proudly, defying gravity and pointing in the right direction. As time has passed this has changed considerably. I was never huge but I was substantial and I liked it. Now I don't. Now I wish that they were small, manageable creatures that tucked nicely away into a tiny bra, out of the way, unobtrusive, not screaming, "Look at me. No, not there. Down there!"

If you visit me at home and I wasn't expecting you, I will not be wearing a bra. I find them tight, uncomfortable and they make me feel hot. Considering that even now I am still getting hot flashes on a regular basis, this is very annoying.

I'm also finding that I don't care as much about whether a bra will make me look good as much as I care whether it can hold me up for the day without the girls slipping under the band and needing to be hoisted back into their harness. This is not a good move in public. I am especially conscious of this in large department stores like Walmart where it feels like a million eyeballs are watching from those not-so-hidden cameras. Reaching into your top and messing around in there can be misconstrued. And I do have room for a lipstick or two. I need a good-sized cup but I no longer fill it as well.

Five Myths About Your Aging, Drooping Breasts (Also called Don't Waste Your Time)

1. Wearing a bra 24/7 while you are young will stop this gradual descent. Pity the women that wore this mini prison to bed for nothing. As our facial skin ages and loses elasticity, so too does the rest of our body. It is inevitable and is a battle that won't be won without surgery.

2. Breastfeeding will ruin them. I'm a breastfeeding advocate so I would never say don't breastfeed but it turns out that's not the culprit. It's weight-gain during pregnancy. Ligaments have a way of adjusting their length if something is pulling on them and since breasts are made of fat (see Myth No. 3) the extra weight will stretch them. But so will any weight gain so most of us are screwed anyway.

3. Exercising will lift them. No it won't. You can do as many push-ups and chest presses as you like and your breasts will stay firmly where they are. They are made up of fat, not muscle. I'm not saying don't bother, because exercising is good (so I hear) but there will no rising from the dead for those puppies.

4. There are creams, serums and supplements that will firm them. I'm sorry. I wish there was a magic potion but there isn't. The only magic is how quickly your money will disappear with, literally, nothing to show for it if you buy those creams, serums and supplements.

5. There is no hope for them now. There is if you change how you feel.

I was born in 1953, one month before the first publication of Playboy Magazine. I was raised to believe that breasts were special. Not by my parents but by a patriarchal society that worshiped them, put a price on them and defined your womanhood by their size. It's tough to make a major adjustment in your thinking that will put breasts in their proper perspective but what other choice do you have besides spending the rest of your life wishing for something that will never happen. Love them for what they are. Think of them as two hanging globes of perfection that did exactly what they were meant to do and have served their purpose. Tuck them away in a dark corner of your mind, right beside your sagging bum and droopy arms. You have better things to do.

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